It is important to differentiate the spouse whose anger is a healthy response to various partner insufficiencies, such as lack of attunement, inadequate empathy, neglect, poor partner functioning -in short anger as a protest to loss of love and safety – and anger which is more characterological, i.e., independent of what’s going on situationally.

A colleague of mine, who is a child psychologist and author of an excellent guidebook for parents, observes that nothing strengthens the bond between parents and children as much as the parents taking an active interest in what interests the child. I think about this as entering the child’s world and stretching to discover what that world looks and feels like.

In her thought provoking article in the December 1 New York Times, Sonja Lyubomirsky, a University of California Professor of Psychology, makes the wise and researched observation that the thrill of new love fades after about two years. The intense heat is based upon several factors: the power of sex, the idea that “at last I’ve found someone who gets me,” and if the marital choice is conscious enough, the recognition that your “someone” has values and goals that you admire.

Competition for Time and The effect of Familiarity

As a Marriage Counselor, I frequently hear a husband or a wife complain, “he doesn’t listen to me! I can talk till I’m blue in the face and I still get nowhere!”

Your children are healthy, your partner is kind, you have friends and basically there is enough money. You have it all, but yet feel empty, alone and not understood. You feel disconnected; especially from your spouse and wonder, “What am I doing here? Should I be married?” These are thoughts you keep to yourself. You dare not give them voice for fear of starting an emotional avalanche that threatens to overwhelm you and those you love.

Emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) is a short-term, systematic and empirically tested intervention designed to reduce distress and create stronger, more secure attachment bonds in adult love relationships. Formulated in the 1980’s by Dr. Sue Johnson, this highly effective approach to couples therapy focuses on emotion (rather than the content of the specific problem a couple is facing) as the essential transforming element in couples therapy. It is a great option available to couples in which both partners are willing to work on repairing their relationship.

When a client seeking the dissolution of a marriage arrives in a lawyer’s office, it is always the case that emotional tension is high. This is generally problematic for a successful legal solution to the host of problems that present on termination of a relationship. Most lawyers, well-versed in the ramifications of divorce, are not so equally comfortable with the psychological fall-out from these kinds of situations.

As you register your kindergartener for dance or skating lessons, roll up your sleeves to partake in yet another play group with your toddler, and call about registering your puppy for obedience training, ask yourself the following: “what commitment am I making this fall to maintain and strengthen my marriage?” Autumn is a busy time when many families fill their schedules with classes, volunteer opportunities and athletics. Yet few parents take time to assess the wellness of their primary relationship, their connection to their spouse.

Couples who are in a constant state of bickering often start their first meeting with me by asking me how marital therapy can change their situation. I often respond by telling them that while I can give them skills to increase respect, improve communication, and promote intimacy; my hope is that they will become more aware of their intentions and more accepting of whatever they encounter. According to author Jon Kabat-Zinn, “mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”

So often I am asked "what can we do to help our kids through the divorce?" While this is a wide-open question whose answers range from very simple to quite complex, there are some general do’s and don’ts to seriously consider.